A friend from Church has been jetting between Brussels and Woodford recently, as she has been taking part in various consultations for the European Union. This has ignited a passion for politics in her, resulting in a star turn on the podium of a recent EU conference (and her husband’s new nickname for her of ‘podium chaser’). The following correspondence is a result of all this!
Dear Ms. P. Chaser,
I am writing following your recent star performance in Brussels, as I believe that someone of your talents and drive is in need of a personal assistant in order to help you keep abreast of your commitments and the demands of your political life. I am that person.
I have a wide variety of experience in customer service, as I had a variety of jobs all of which I have changed promptly (they were not truly utilising my many talents). As a result I have worked as a Saturday girl in many high street shops. I have also worked the night shift on the maternity ward at my local hospital, and I have worked at my local Esso garage.
From my retail experience I have learned that the customer is rarely right, and that if you are willing to raise your voice they will generally change their minds and agree with you. Particularly if you punch your fist into your hand at the same time. I have also found that generally people are quite patient, especially if you are just finishing your quick chat to your mate before you serve them. From my time at the hospital, I have become immune to the cries of people in pain, and suffering from sleep deprivation; and able to dispense advise about something of which I have no experience from the hip - both of which I’m sure you will agree are very useful in politics. Finally from working in the petrol station I have learnt how to be a fire-starter - need I say more?
I left full time schooling in 1991 (aged 16), but have continued my studies in a more informal manner. I am a student of the great Pierangelo Isernia, and am capable of insightful and razor sharp sound bites (cf ‘Europe is not interesting because it is boring.’)
In my spare time I like to keep my mind active, with which I find both the Daily Mail and Richard and Judy very helpful. As a result I have a broad and general knowedge - I can discuss the past lives of the rich and famous, the state of the nation and changes in Richard’s hair style with great authority. I am additionally able to give detailed analysis of most episodes of Columbo.
As I sure you will agree, having read this resume of my skills, I am a goldmine of an employee. However I am currently taking time out from my career in order to give employers an opportunity to hire me, and I am giving you first dibs. Please do not take too long to make a decision, as I am awaiting responses from the many other employers I have contacted. You snooze, you lose.
Many thanks for taking the time to read this letter, I look forward to hearing from you (promptly).
Regards,
A. Campbell.
Dear Ms. (? unless a boy can be a Saturday girl in this day and age) A. Campbell,
Thankyou for your email to Ms. Chaser. I handed in my notice as soon as I had read it. Furthermore, when Ms. Chaser read it, she was crying with laughter. Seeing as how she has never even smiled at me once, I realised that I will never be able to make her happy. I must warn you, she is a cruel taskmistress who doesn’t even let her employees turn up to work in their pyjamas, never mind watch more than four hours’ worth of daytime tv per shift.
Just a personal observation: I think you are over-qualified by far for the job of Ms. Chaser’s assistant, however your best selling point is that you would be able to stop her getting a big head. If it’s not too late already.
Can you start right away?
Best,
Miss B. Haviour
Dear Ms B. Haviour,
Many thanks for your quick and enlightening response. I did not realise that the working conditions would be so harsh. Sadly I have a malingering complaint which means I am only able to dress in pyjamas and have to watch a minimum of four hours daytime tv monday - friday. Unless Ms. Chaser is able to accomodate this disability I will regretfully have to withdraw my application (and will subsequently sue her for discrimination).
Many thanks again for your time and help,
A. Campbell.
Posted in Life in general
